Some people can’t help but ask you questions and when you give them answers, they’d qualm. Why the hell ask?
I felt so down after a friend commented about me getting a scholarship to an art school, as if it’s something too impossible for someone like me to get. The somewhat acerbic comments I got reminded me of a certain time in the past. Same comments were said to me before, No one supported me then, even if i begged with all that I am. No one believed that I will be successful in the field that i’ve chosen. All they thought was to hell with the scholarship, It wouldn’t be worth all the living-expense in the end. Is it really something that seems too impossible for me to achieve? Am i really that dumb looking for people to think I’m not capable of doing and achieving things?I’ve grown up not giving a damn about what other people think about me, but it comes to a point that you just get so pissed off. I am not scared to admit how much of a black sheep i was during my younger days. I have done so many mistakes, and academically, I have achieved less than anyone else in our clan. I was a major headache and heartache to my parents. I am not like everyone else who have BS’s or BA’s, some even have MA’s, MD’s, and PhD’s. I simply finished int’l computer studies after hopping from one course to another in different schools. From Electronics and Communications Engineering, to fine Arts, to Mgt, even int’l language studies, until finally, I got into what seemed a school for college drop-outs. “normal kid’s school” - dropouts who want to rid of minor subjects and get a US and other int’l schools accredited course in pursuit of getting a US visa, and when finally succeeded on getting one and got hooked up with an opportunity — dropped it because of what other people find as “stupid” reasons. Call me stupid yeah, call me dumb, but to quote a friend “what the hell do you have to do with my freakin decisions in life?”. It’s my life and I make my decisions!

I “used to be” a drug dependent, a smoker, a certified alcoholic, and a menace to the teachers, guidance counselors, school principals, and deans. I was rebellious to the point that I stowed away from home a number of times. What used to be comfortable to me was being antisocial, unfashionable, far from a clean cut - clean living individual. But it’s now all a thing of the past, I have been living clean for the past 5 years and 8 mos. I’m glad I got over being totally crazy and finally redeemed myself. For me, that’s enough achievement. But why is it that the shadows of my past just keep on lurking at the sides…?

I had different jobs since I was in high school, from a resto to fast food crew, to etc., even if my parents told me I didnt have to make things so hard and complicated, but i stayed with my lola and done my own thing simply to show people that I can stand on my own… but all that it meant to them was disobedience and disrespect.

During my final months in college I worked as a cafe manager. After graduating, I had decent jobs, from working as an IT personnel to a database administrator, a part time system analyst, and finally working as a Mktg. Manager for an Export company. I travelled from one place to another. Everyone thought everything was going perfectly well until I made another “what seem to others (AGAIN) as a stupid decision and left the company not simply due to overkill job responsibities but becoming so fed up with people around always mocking you to the point of racking your ego, indirectly hitting you and making you feel how incapable you are. Making comments about you and the position you’re holding coz of whatever reasons they could possibly think of. So fed up with people who are so irritated with the idea of being under someone who never acquired a managerial course like them. So fed up on how these people do not seem to show you respect after uncovering the shadows of your past. So fed up with people who refuse to accept the things that you’ve done and you can do, that they haven’t or couldn’t. Like the fact that you’ve increased the sales by 25% in the first 6 months and up to 50% in the succeeding periods, that they werent able to do for the past few years. Still they could do nothing but insinuate and judge you because of your past. You ask them to stay behind after working hours to do OT to meet deadlines, they’d make comments like, “we’re not like some people there who can’t sleep like addicts”. damn it…

Got tired of all emo-ness and one day decided to pick-up my shattered self and landed a job in a BPO company. When I first got into the site prior to submitting my application the first thing I asked was… “Is there no descrimination in this place?” But until here and until now - there’s no escape. Despite not knowing what I’ve been thru or who and what I really am, some still mistake me for someone that I used to be, and some are still like the ones i’ve left behind. damn it!
People could brag about themselves all day, their achievements, show you stuff to imply “do you have this or that or i have this- where’s yours… then start to question what you have become, why are you in the place that you are right now, doing what you’re doing, the things that you did, the places that you’ve been to, and even laugh at things that at one point seemed like a nightmare to you, such as chances missed that killed an important part of you, which until now you find impossible to resurrect.

I didn’t know that it’d still be this hard, even after all these years of just trying to forget the same nightmare that became reasons behind all the mistakes i’ve done. why can’t people just stop being such stereotypes….?!? and leave me alone!!!!! *deep breath*